Background Check (part 2)

(continued...)
I don't remember the first part of the night.  I don't remember music or how Dave Roever got to the end of his sermon.  All I remember is that he explained a little about his life, the grenade that disfigured him and lots of talk about being "saved."

The "home run" story for the last night of his crusade was about a gentleman who went to a certain special church event with some of his prestigious man friends. He just happened bring his young son along as well.

The sermon was powerful and dynamic... and the gentleman's young son was deeply moved.  The pastor gave an altar call for everyone to come forward and be "saved". He said to the crowd that the Holy Spirit was moving and that anyone who felt that "tug" should recognize it as God calling.

The man's son stood up to good forward, but his father jerked him back down into the seat and whispered,"No! You are embarrassing me!"

The pastor continued to plead.  The boy was overcome. He stood up to answer the Lord but, again, his dad told him,"No!"

 The young man never did come to the altar and repent.

Then Dave Roever said that this boy never again felt that tug again in his whole life. He explained that he had missed his one and only chance, and that he died a sinner. He missed it completely.

I was stirred.  I, too, felt a strong “tug” sitting there in the seat next to David.  I felt an overwhelming conviction of something bigger than me calling to me, come.

I felt a magnet drawing me forward and a warmth in my chest like a giant muffled sob. I kept looking down at my feet and silently praying, "No God I can't!!"

The tug was tugging hard! But, I could not stand up.  My butt was lead in that seat and I stubbornly fought the urge.

I mean, I couldn't go forward! I was baptized twice! What would people think? The double-dunked girl finally got saved five years later?!  I was too much of a coward. I didn't want to be the "poor lost girl" that "finally found Jesus." I could only imagine the gushy touchy freely reaction and rejoicing from my congregations back home.  No way in hell did I want that.

So I sat there...miserable... Thinking that THIS was the real thing...and that I missed it.

I remember being unusually quiet and sick at my stomach for a few days after.  To put it bluntly, I was "screwed."

 The "Jesus boat" had passed by and I didn't hop on. No matter what I did good or bad, I was doomed (or damned) I thought... I couldn't fix it.  Gone like a birthday balloon...over.

Then, that's where the gradual slide began for me...the "wild' side, the rebellious behavior, the bitterness and the despair.  I decided that being a "good girl" was a lost cause so I might as well have fun with some "happy hellions."

My high school and college years blurred together.  I had friends from every walk of life.  Pagans, Muslims, LGBT, Atheists, any and all of the above could be my friends. I loved to be around them and listen to their ideas but they never affected my core.  I even talked about what I believed in a few serious private conversations. I hoped inside, "if Jesus won't let me in, maybe He will let one of these guys in. Maybe,they  still haven't missed their chance!"

My core never wavered. My church experiences growing up, the bible stories I had learned in the baptist church and the power of the Spirit I had witnessed at Believer's Chapel gave me an unshakable faith in God.  I knew that what I tasted growing up was absolute truth...even if I was damned.

So, this was my life. I had accepted it. I even hoped to squeeze in some sweet accomplishments before my date with the lake of fire. I was a dedicated student of theatre and my whole hope was wrapped up in my future career in the arts.

But, on the flip-side...

When I wasn't working on a project or at rehearsals, when I wasn't hanging out with my friends or working, I was suffering inside.  I suffered from a very very deep depression.  I made it to class, and made it to the show, but I was hanging on by a thin line.  I felt completely incapable of living on my own, navigating the future, and finding peace in my dark, lonely hell-bound soul.

Then everything was disrupted when I had to have my appendix removed...
...which lead to me taking an easy load my last semester...
... which lead to me living in Munday and driving 3 days a week to MSU...
..which lead my grandmother to once again corner me with an idea. She wanted to send me on a CHRISTIAN WOMEN'S RETREAT.

Do you have any clue, how many times I dodged the bullet on this before? I ALWAYS had a great excuse, rehearsals, work, finals...

...but, this time I had nothing to save me. She got me and soon I was on my way to and incredibly lame dumb stupid weird crazy wacko retreat and I was pissed.

But I went because I love my grandmother and I wanted the asking to STOP!

She and her sweet lady friend from the old chapel picked me up and drove me to the retreat.  As we pulled up to the campgrounds I was happy to see the trees and hills. Maybe I could make this a little less sucky! I realized it would be super easy to sneak off into the woods with my pack of cigarettes and put some distance between me and those idiotic holy rollers.

(To be continued)