Summer is the worst.

It is the worst time to be a graphic designer.  The worst time to be an artist.  The worst time to be an introvert and the worst time to feel good about being a mother of two boys.

In trying to describe my frustrations to my husband I used the idea of a goldfish, flopping on the countertop next to the bowl... They eyes are glassy and the mouth gropes for water.... not air.

I think that in the realm of personality types that extroverts and introverts are parts of two different ecosystems that co-exist.  There the sunny land dwellers that scoot and skuttle and then there are the under the surface dwellers who prefer it dark and quiet.

All creatures in this version of earth are anphibious, living in both places at a time.  There are a few who never cross the boundries, perhaps a handful of fish and a few lizards who comprise the most extreme members of our world.  They are either completely batty or completely crazy... the rest of us are a mix.

I am the tadpole, who grew into a frog who spent a long time with the sand and sun.  Who enjoys a quick scamper through the dirt, but is totally in love with the water.  Like wales and dolphins who live in the deep and surface only to survive. That is how I feel.

In the midst of Summer, it feels like we all have to turn on a little extra extrovert charm. After all, the gatherings seem relentless.  It starts with Mother's Day, then end of school year productions, and Memorial Day, then Father's Day, then fourth of July... this is all fine and good and fun... unless you are a water-loving toad.  It starts to drain and deplete me.  After the first week home with my boys I feel like an iphone on 4% battery that never stays plugged in for long enough to recharge.  Every day of the week is the same it feels with little time focusing.  Focusing is like food for starved introverts and we need it in large quantities and for extended periods of time.   We need solitude to drink in the peace that will sustain us and shore up our energy reserves with are in high demand.

This is the FB post that I removed because it pissed off my friends

Ok... treading gently on to very tender subject...

Don't Hate, Just Wait.

I was doing it again... the eye roll/sigh.

Another friend of mine added me to a page or group for a "product" that they want me to try...

I counted quickly the number of friends who are selling MLM products on FB and I stopped at 50. So, I know, I know, I know, I know.

I know that you feel weird pushing products, I know it's awkward. I know you are worried about getting your investment back. And, I know that some of you are selling really great stuff.

I really do.

But, what kind of friend would I be if I allowed 50 plus friends to go on without a little perspective from a person who can't sell anything?

I love you all AND I am really FOR YOU. I want you to succeed.

Here is a list of things I would love to say.... to each of you... but I don't have the guts. Here it is to all of you, current, past, and future network marketing friends ( please don't punch me in the face.)

#1 The "Company Created Glossy Ads" aren't that effective. Remember, the rest of us are very skeptical plus it is weird that one day we see you fishing with your kids, eating at a restaurant and posting videos, and the next day looks like a product selling robot took over your account. Those marketing companies don't understand small town people.

#2 Your products are high because of "quality" but then you show me the incentives that the company gave you. Whether it is a pink car, a trip to Hawaii, a big check, it is not going to help you sell $200 a month protein shakes to ME.
.... I know you are trying to motivate your team members, but to us, it completely explains why the products are sometimes 10 times higher for similar products in stores. I know, the quality is better, but remember WE ARE SKEPTICAL.

#3 Maybe not so many posts. Some of you are great and some of you are ok and some of you are annoying, sorry, love you much. Remember, that when something is over-exposed, people mentally start avoiding it. WE ARE SKEPTICAL AND PESSIMISTIC as a culture. Keep your team group posts private. I understand that most of the time you are just encouraging other team members.

#4 Good Products Sell Themselves. If I see your product on FB, I usually go to the official company site for the product FIRST. If the Product page is about recruitment more than what it is selling, it is a red flag. (Nerium, It Works, Thrive, Essential Oils, Norwex, blah, blah, blah) I bought something from ALL of these companies through friends. But the websites themselves are not helping the customer who just wants face cream, usually. Tell your company to put it's product up front, not the recruitment stuff if it doesn't do so.

#5 X-Nay on the Virtual Parties. It's easy, and convenient but I feel like trapped I'm in an infomercial. Just do regular face to face ones. Or wear a shirt that says" Ask me about (blank)!" Because I would rather do that.

I know, I know, I know, I know.... All these products are too expensive and I am always feeling up-sold to save money with the "buy more, save more" pitch. But, the Facebook thing, is not a great way to market anymore... Just google it... it's really not working for most anymore.

(I have 4 very close friends that are contemplating kicking my butt right now.)

Now three positive points, (see I love you!)

When some of the sharpest non-flaky business women I know around here started selling products, it did make me give a certain line of products a second look. Their personal reputations gave their products a lot of clout.

I bought from ALL the companies I listed above PLUS Rodan + Fields, Mary Kay, Jamberry Nails and many more.

Here's why I DID.

I bought Mary Kay products from a friend because that company is tried and true.

Melissa Josslet happened to show me her hands one day, I saw that crazy Jamberry nails DO look good on people my age. AND she showed me that they were still on after two weeks. So, I decided to finally try them.

Kim Kuehler, sold me on Younique Lashes in person in the hallway at the elementary school, me standing 2 feet away, and looking at her eyes... Straight forward, and I'll buy more when I run out.

WHEN I SEE A M

ARKED difference in the people using the product, THAT"S THE KICKER. When they talk to me about what it had done for them as a product, not a company. The clearer skin, the weight loss, the true stories... THAT ALWAYS GETS ME.

I finally bought Rodan + Fields after watching friends and family and even my mom's skin change before my eyes. I think I watched two years before I tried it. REMEMBER I AM SKEPTICAL... But I did... because I saw them reveling in REAL CHANGE. Jodi Urbanzyk brought my mother her order when happened to be at her house, and she just bubbled over with stories of amazing changes in her skin. My sister Kandis is selling it too, so is my pal Cori, and about ten other fine women in this area. I am skeptical but I am honestly seeing a difference.

My Network Marketing friends are trying to do three impossible things
1.Tell you about their product
2. Not appear pushy
3. Make extra income.

Look around, everyone needs a little extra income here. Please, don't roll/sigh every post about a "new product" or "special offer". Instead, contact your friends and talk to them. It could be the beginning of a good thing. You get something you really need AND your friend can perhaps have a little more income for her or his family.

Plus, remember I don't have the money to spend on these products usually. So if I do, two things must be there, I believe you and I trust you.

I know it isn't easy. Just keep going and the best thing about that product is YOU.

Sidenote:  I asked a MLM friend if she read this, she did, she was pissed. Said I was calling her out.  I guess it is fine if people bombard me with sales ads and complicate our friendships. But it is NOT ok to point out another very valid perspective on it.

Falling Out of Love with My Favorite Craft Store

I am probably one of the last people anyone would expect to complain about Hobby Lobby.

On Wednesday night, I went into Hobby Lobby to with some girlfriends. After a few minutes of shopping, I noticed a nausea rising inside of me...Hobby Lobby was grossing me out!

Now, nothing out of the ordinary, really… No offensive people, music or bad smells. It was the whole store as an idea.  I was struck by the shear EXCESS of beautiful junk everywhere and as usual, there was a 50% markdown on much of the merchandise (whoopee!).

I began to realize that I was in the Mothership of Cheap Trendy Knock-offs.

I looked around and everything I saw was a knock-off of some craft idea or art trend from finer stores and social sites like Pinterest and Etsy. 

I walked in and saw giant fake flowers as tall as me...thinking... "Hey, I remember a DIY tutorial on that a few years ago using tissue paper."

There are the mustache-clad, dapper-looking animal portraits printed on fake vintage book pages. (A knock-off from an Esty artist who was copied on Pinterest and then mass-copied and faked by factories overseas.)

There are the "retro" metal signs, the chalkboard paint furniture, burlap home decor items, rivers of chevron "fluff", the isles and isles of cake pop supplies, a scrapbook city, goofly blown glass animals, garden gnomes, fake flowers, antler/cowboy rustic stuff made out or resin, and fake “American Pickers” style crap everywhere!

I was swimming in the vomit of our collective American vanity.

To be fair, lots of retail stores are doing the same thing.  My dearest store, Target, is a bit guilty but I usually don't find it distasteful mostly because they ride the tide of actual designers.  They are on the "cutting edge" or so to speak.  Other stores do the opposite and bring in the rear by chasing trends and copying real innovation.  However, not even Walmart makes me feel as sick as Hobby Lobby. 

Why am I being so nasty?

These items have NO SOUL.  These are mass produced copies of someone else’s original idea… someone else’s painstaking effort, someone else’s genius.  These are massed produced in some place like China and sold for a fraction of what it the originals are worth… Cheap, tawdry, and empty.

When I look at my turquoise Abraham Lincoln bust on my mantle, I remember the garage sale where I found it.  I remember the thought process of choosing to paint it that color.  I paid 25 cents for it.  It has a story.  It is one of a kind.

my blue Lincoln

The table in the corner I painted, it has a soul because I RESCUED it. 

The real living plants on my shelves have LIFE.  They need my care. They have a “soul’ too.

This hung in my great-grandmother's house.
I don't know how old it is.

I can’t just do “surface pretty”. The things in my home must tell a story and must feel authentic.  They are a reflection of meaning in my life. Sure, I have stuff from Hobby Lobby around my house. If it is here, I probably felt it was a good reflection of my style.  In fact, I have a few things that I actually love. But, copying trends for the sake of "fitting in" or "looking hip" feels bad to me.  I want out of the Matrix.

So, Wednesday night, I left the store, disturbed.  I didn't buy anything.

Maybe it is because, I am so hungry for authenticity.  I think we all are.  Are you tired of the retouched filtered selfies,yet?  Are you tired of the "wheel in your gut" telling you that you HAVE to have granite counter-tops or a giant fondant sculpture for your toddler’s party? I don't want to be a lemming. I don't need companies trying to make me feel ashamed for being "out of style".  I recognize the "game" and I'm not playing.

Don’t you love being in a home that...just is…  just is BEAUTIFUL because it’s someone’s home.

The most yucky parts of Hobby Lobby, for me, are the canvas art isles,and as an artist, I feel like I am in the belly of an “ART” whorehouse.

The prints are actually very beautiful and very cheap. I’m an artist by trade. In this economy and in the rural area where I live, it is really hard for people to justify paying for original art.  Besides,  I would need to charge a good sum of money to let go of one of my “babies”.  I can't compete with factories and neither can most artists.

So, go ahead and knock yourself out with the giant poppy “painting” over the fireplace… everybody is doing it...really, I can't afford to paint for so little.

...and the decorative cross isle....

(ANGRY TYPING THIS PART)

MY SAVIOR DIED ON A CROSS.   It was a horribly beautiful act for mankind.  The cross is deeply precious to me and not just a sentimental logo.  I cringe at the things they do to and put on crosses.  It feels so sacrilegious to decorate a symbol of execution with glitter, camo, zebra print, rhinestone, or cutesy sayings on a cross...especially if all you want is a cool looking wall that will impress your Christian friends. Note: there is a difference between sober, tasteful elegance and flat-out tacky vanity.

Compare it to this: Let’s say you have a precious porcelain cup handed down from your grandmother.  It is the cup she let you use when you had tea parties as a child. It is also one of the only things that survived a house fire that tragically took the life of your parents.  It is so much more to you than any old cup.

Now imagine one of your kids scooping poop out of the toilet with it.

Imagine your daughter bedazzling the hell out of it.

Imagine your husband spray-painting it and gluing it to a birdhouse.

That’s only a teeny fraction of how I feel about Jesus and what He did on a cross for me.  The cross is precious and intimate.

I really could go on forever… about waste, excess, loss of originality, “made in China” and the very beautiful junk they sell at Hobby Lobby. I will probably need to shop there again at some point, but I hope I can avoid it.  I am really glad I am "waking up" and letting go of the whole pressure to be trendy.  I just hope Jesus continues to show me how to be REAL, AUTHENTIC and FREE.

 I wish Hobby Lobby was, foremost,a place for supplies and inspiration. It has changed over the years.  It used to be like "Come on! Create something unique!  We have the STUFF!
It was a place to buy the tools, a place that helps us create genuinely unique reflections of our personal tastes.

Now its like," Look! We already did it for you."

Do we even care that our tastes change because of the media?

Are we filtering what we see and recognizing the attempts to stir up doubt and insecurities in us through magazines, websites, and home improvement shows?

Are we aware that much of the stuff we spend our lives doing, is nothing but a big distraction.  Heck, I would rather sit down and craft than work on our finances.  I want to paint and have my little studio, I don't want to up heave my convenient life to, like, adopt a kid or something!

I digress...

back to the point

I have no shame or contempt for my friends who still love this store.  Shop on without shame.  My beef is really with a culture at large that continues to choose shallow conformity and approval seeking.  The culture that loves to sell us exterior facades to hide behind.

Ecclesiastes is my current favorite book of the Bible because it addresses this idea over and over...

Ecclesiasties 1:3-11

³ What does man gain by all the toil
    at which he toils under the sun?
⁴ A generation goes, and a generation comes,
    but the earth remains forever.
⁵ The sun rises, and the sun goes down,
    and hastens^[a] to the place where it rises.
⁶ The wind blows to the south
    and goes around to the north;
around and around goes the wind,
    and on its circuits the wind returns.
⁷ All streams run to the sea,
    but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
    there they flow again.
⁸ All things are full of weariness;
    a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
    nor the ear filled with hearing.
⁹ What has been is what will be,
    and what has been done is what will be done,
    and there is nothing new under the sun.
¹⁰ Is there a thing of which it is said,
    “See, this is new”?
It has been already
    in the ages before us.
¹¹ There is no remembrance of former things,^[b]
    nor will there be any remembrance
of later things^[c] yet to be
    among those who come after.

That about does it. I feel better. I probably should have chosen my words more carefully to keep from offending anyone... but, this is my gut-level honest opinion.

Disclaimer: I am aware that this post sounds a bit judgmental, snobby or self-righteous.  My issue is not with the people who love to decorate their homes creatively.  My gut reaction to the excess and trendiness of Hobby Lobby in general. I am very proud of the stance Hobby Lobby has taken in it's fight against government control.

A Day in the Life of a Disillusioned Small Town Mom

I wake up slightly before 7 am.

Getting two boys  ready for school is pretty straight forward, so I make my way, first, to the coffee maker.  I sometimes use filtered water but the Brita is so slow I sometimes get water from the faucet. This is my idea of living dangerously.

 As the coffee maker starts shushing and slurping, I open the fridge to survey the choices for breakfast.

Cinnamon rolls in a can.

I press the "ON"  button on the oven and I walk into the boy's room.

They are wrapped in their favorite blankets like swaddling cloths lying in their bunk beds. I flip on the light and begin digging through the closet for outfits suitable for the day's weather forecast.

 Yellow shirt, black shorts, small.

Red shirt, grey shorts medium.

I dig through the sock drawer and fish out to pair of similar socks.  I place the items on the foot of the lower bunk laid out like melted people with the shoes under the shorts on the floor.

Then I hear the preheat beep and I return to the kitchen to smack the can of dough against the table edge.  I take out each spiral and arrange them effortlessly with one hand while my other hand opens the oven door, slide them in...12 mins, I note in my head.  I don't even need a timer.

Then I grab a coffee cup and reward myself, creamer, splenda.

Then I walk back into the boys rooms and remind them to get up. They moan and wiggle but that's all for now.  I walk back to my bedroom to fetch my phone to glance at Facebook as I pour glasses of Sunny D, find clean forks, grab some paper plates and the Sponge Bob vitamins from the spice cabinet.

Then,I loudly say  something about a cup of water.

That's when the activity level in the boy's room starts.  Call me cruel for splashing kids with water, but hey, I've only had to do it once.

I am putting icing on the rolls as they stumble into the room, completely ready, except for the wild hair.  They sit and start telling me about the dream they had, or ask a strange math question, or start discussing how many days are left in the year.

I put two rolls on each plate, and they slowly begin to eat.  This entire routine is usually completely stress free, except when we can't find a shoe or a library book.  As they sit and enjoy breakfast I thumb through backpacks and double check the contents, all paper are signed. Check.  Zip.

About that time, my husband returns from the bathroom, ready for work.  He pours some coffee and grabs a roll. (I never eat these things, no matter what...or biscuits or cinnamon toast... yet, I still struggle with my weight!)

They finish, put on back packs, and file out the door behind their daddy climbing up into his big pick-up.

I shut the door on the truck for them, "Bye! Have a good day.  Love you."

7:47 am

I am alone with much "free" time and I just want to go back to bed.  I make a list just to make myself accomplish something before 3:30.

This time is sacred.  This time is vague.  This time is sad.  This time is depressing.  I have lost the housewife desire for domestic perfection.  Heck, I barely care.  I'm just trying to keep the mess at bay, I am conquering nothing.

I see my life in a hamster wheel of repeated actions with a few variations and I think that I am missing something.  Discouraged with attempts to express myself as an artist or "revolutionary", now-a-days, I think , why bother? 

I know that I should use this time to work out.  I should use this time to get super organized.  I should write or paint or garden.  But I don't.  I pour another cup of coffee and sit down on my big grey couch and surf the net on my iPad.

I force myself to check on the dogs, move the laundry, pick up the man-cave. But I usually find a way to sit.  I sit because I know I don't have the strength to realize my hopes and dreams as an accomplished individual.  I could teach art, I could do this, I could do that... nah... better do the dishes again and figure out something for supper.

Dang, the phone is ringing!  I get really miffed if anyone contacts me during he day.  It's just wrong. I HATE talking on the phone... period.

So I answer it and it is my husband telling me that he is thankful for me... I talk back very sweetly but I'm still mad on the inside for  having to converse. Ok... you too... uh-huh..... really... ok... Bye.  I feel convicted for being such an ungrateful bore.

Today, I am sick of feeling this way about my life.  It is monotonous, predictable, full of repeat chores and requirements that never end. I wonder if there is anything fun left in the world... I mean the kind of fun that makes you feel alive with belly laughs and panoramic views of something pretty.  I have fun with my kids everyday.... I think I am missing plain old recreational freedom and awe.

I am self-ish, I know.

Anyway... this is my life.  And today, it occurred to me that there are people who would GIVE ANYTHING to trade places with me in my safe, predictable, boring, routine, small-town life.  To some people, I have it ALL.

I'm gonna ponder this the rest of the day and maybe I can stir up some kind of contentment and gratefulness.  Maybe the sorrow I feel for being so far away from the culture and excitement that I once knew, can be replaced with "happy".  I hope so.

I think I have been taking this period of my life for granted... at least that's what my 80 year old Mamaw always says.

Lord, help me see this situation with fresh eyes and a flood of new joy.  Amen

Fanciful Aspirations

I just wanna throw this out there...

If I could make a living doing ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD, I would:

Design and build amazing playgrounds...

...and create puppets.

okay, universe, that's that...

My Addictions

If I am doing anything like driving, washing dishes, folding laundry, etc, I  usually have my headphones on listening to talk instead of music.  I love absorbing smart stuff.

I am not the kind of Christian who only listens to Christian stuff.  In fact, I enjoy many secular podcasts.  Exploring culture in this way opens my eyes to new ideas and helps me sharpen my own Biblical world-view.  It prepares me better to converse with others who don't share my views.  Anyway, here are my faves.

This is a great podcast covering a wide variety of topics that usually deal with science.  I have binged on this for weeks at a time.  Waiting for the next episode is always agony.

This is a great podcast for learning to analyze things or think like an economist.  It sounds boring but I always find it fun and insightful.

Fascinating stories on a ccmmon topic.  There is a reason This American Life is #1 on the charts every week

My sister, Andrea, turned me on to Snap Judgement.  Now I can't turn it off.

Completely engrossing and always featuring the very best storytellers in the world. 

This guy is the absolute master of storytelling.  My favorite episode, "The Johnstown Flood of 1889"  So brilliant!

 Sort of like The Moth.

Deconstructing Church

When somebody wants to really understand something, often the best way to do that is to take it apart.  Mechanics will dismantle a motor to understand how they work.  Doctors  study anatomy including the dissection of cadavers to see the "big picture". Even high school students learn best by diagramming and breaking things into categories. (Remember diagramming sentences?)

So guess what I want to dismantle?

Habitual Traditional Church

I want to understand why it is *not working in most cases.  You might disagree with me but I say that most modern American churches appear to be little more than social clubs with righteous ambitions.  In some scenarios pastors and elders erroneously think that they are the "spiritual gate keepers" between God and people.

Most churches find themselves in a loop of self-admiration and self-promotion instead of something outward, open, linear, simple and direct.

Christian leaders are seduced to believe that they really know better (and it is true sometimes). However this really far from the model of the organic body of believers described in the New Testament. I could go on and on about how churches target Christians instead of outsiders.   When outsiders are targeted it is usually not very appetizing to the so called "lost".  They have known the old "bait and switch" methods and are aware that the free pizza party is usually accompanied by the salvation sales pitch... its old news.

By becoming an organization with an underlying business model for growth, each church is  forced to think about numbers and pleasing the members instead of something more truly life-altering and messy--familial-style, gut-honest relationships and discipleship.

This "new" way of gathering would do away with paid pastoral roles which is why it is not promoted by those making a living via Christianity.

In fact, pastors have anonymously admitted in secret interviews, that they feel pressured to curb their words to keep from offending the faithful tythes contributors and committee members.   Who can blame them?   Their livelihood is dependent on keeping members happy and doing what they want.  This dynamic forces pastors to be people-pleasers instead of doing what they really feel lead to do.

I don't have time to do an exhaustive analysis of this topic. Besides, there are SO MANY books about this that I don't need to write too much.  AND, most of these books end with a few chapters that detail "how to grow your church" or "how to attract new members" which is the opposite of what I think.

To be fair, I am not asking for the abolishment of "people steeples" or mega churches.  I just think that we can do better IF we DARE discard some traditions that are not at all necessary for a gathering of believers.  It would mean taking our faith down to the bottom-line basics.

I just want an assembly of believers that looks a little more like an AA meeting... and I can tell you that it is what many many many people, believers and non-believers are starving for... a place to come, connect, be real, and ask God to come in.

Take the whole thing apart and put it back together in its purest form.

That's all I'm asking for.


Go check out this old poem that will get you thinking about how we got here with our traditions.

* do I really need to prove this point?  everyone knows it.